I’ve got this theory that we are all (at least) 10% dickhead. There is something in each of us that is broken, damaged or simply offensive to others and it is a part of who we are. It comes out in our worst moments – and sometimes we don’t even try very hard to hide it.

But it’s there. Our darkness. Our ‘dickheadedness’. And some folks manage to push well past 10%.

I also believe we are 100% made in the image of God – but the whole sin deal that means we are damaged goods and this side of eternity we will never be able to shake our dark sides completely. We’re stuck with a baseline level of brokenness.

So here’s the thing that I’ve been pondering…

I’ve noticed that when I experience other people behaving in a ‘dickheadish’ way towards me my response is simply to label them ‘a dickhead’ – as if that was the totality of their being – and from then on to give them a wide berth – to have no unnecessary contact. Why would you?

The real problem is that this is simply not true for them any more than it’s true for me.

More than likely they are 90% good bloke and just 10% dickhead – but that dark part of them has impacted me enough that its easier just to write them off. One of my personal challenges over the last couple of years has been to look at the 90% and see the whole person rather than just the dark part of their being that I get to experience.

No one made in the image of God is simply a dickhead.

Last year a client who was warm, friendly and very happy with the work we had done, out of the blue became hostile and gnarly as he suddenly felt we hadn’t done the job correctly. And he somehow knew how to push my own ‘dickhead’ buttons. Our phone calls would start with me calm and composed trying to be reasonable and listening – but he would be unreasonable – rude – would say things that just weren’t true and I would snap. I’d end up in a verbal stoush, then I’d get off the phone and think ‘what a dickhead!’ No doubt he did the same.

A few years ago I actually hung up on a customer who I found obnoxious and difficult. I’d never hung up on anyone in my life! But this woman drew the worst out of me. Since then any time her name came up in conversation I felt myself immediately boxing her too in the ‘dickhead’ category. No doubt she is a good woman with family and friends who love her, but our dark sides clashed. Again, it’s more than likely she may have negative thoughts about me too…

But the reality is that these people are not ‘dickheads’ – and neither am I.

It was as I watched a friend navigate a really difficult life situation with incredible grace that it dawned on me that he was responding in a way I wasn’t. He had been mistreated and maligned repeatedly but he somehow kept on loving the other person and seeing past their flaws. He focused on the 90% – not the 10%

It dawned on me that I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t consciously boxing people, but there was no question I had a ‘dickhead list’, people I had committed to having nothing to do with – people I had written off.

In the middle of this I sensed the Spirt speaking to me – calling me to more – specifically to grace – to giving love and kindness where it wasn’t deserved. (I have no idea how many people show me grace and overlook my dark sides, but I’m guessing there are plenty.) I sensed God saying it was time to lift my game in this area – time to accept people in their offensive, even destructive brokenness and to show them grace and kindness. To wipe the ‘dickhead list’ – to bin it – and to start over.

Sure – I know there’s a case for keeping toxic people at a distance – for living wisely and for actually keeping some people out of lives. Sadly this just has to happen. But most people aren’t that destructive and dangerous – they just annoy us… or they hurt us… or they offend us. The good news of our faith is that we are loved despite our ugliness and brokenness and we are called to love people in the same way.

So these days when I bang up against dickheady kind of people I am more inclined to pause and remember this is not the totality of their being. This may just be a snippet of who they are. I’ve actually been practicing this (as in a new skill that I am still clumsy at) and its been reshaping the way I interact with these people. Its brought freedom and joy being able to overlook offense, shrug off silliness and move past my tendency to box – to simply see another human being, just as screwed up as me and just as made in the image of God as me.

Maybe this is all obvious to you – but I hadn’t realised I was boxing people in this way and writing them off, until I saw someone rise above their pain and offense to see the image of God in a person rather than just their flaws.

And yeah – I know ‘dickhead’ is a derogatory and ugly term – sorry if it offends you – but it’s the word that fits. Can you move beyond it and love me anyway 🙂