Today Sam came home from school and was very upset.
Sam is 6 and one of the kindest, gentlest little kids you will ever meet. That’s not parental bias because I wouldn’t use similar words of Ellie!
He told us that another 6 year old boy at school had been hitting him in the ‘willy’ and wouldn’t stop. He had clearly hurt him and Sam was feeling scared and distressed as well as a bit ashamed. Sam didn’t run away because he was scared the boy would follow him and he didn’t tell a teacher because ‘you’re not allowed to dob’. He just copped a flogging.
For some reason he hasn’t learnt what is and isn’t appropriate to tell teachers about.
Its the first time something like this has happened so as a parent I have been feeling all sorts of reactions this evening. This post is me thinking out loud about how to help Sam respond to this.
He has a day off tomorrow as we never send him on Fridays (gets him in practice for high school) and I am taking him to McDonalds for brekky. I am not about to dwell on the issue because this stuff happens among boys, but by the same token I have been pondering how to help him in responding to dickheads like he encountered today. No doubt life will bring its fair share of challenges like this one.
There is a part of me that feels I should tell him to simply run away and tell a teacher and another part of me that wants to say ‘if you hit him really hard a couple of times then he will probably back off’.
(Sam hitting the health foods)
While I admire those who can choose not to retaliate I have a feeling that they do it from a sense of strength and inner worth that allows them to take a few hits and not feel like they are losers. This is the first time it has happened, so we are not in dangerous territory yet, but if this was to happen regularly and Sam felt powerless in himself to respond I wonder if it wouldn’t do more harm than good in the long run?
Maybe teaching Sam how to land a couple of hard blows would be the way to go?…
Teaching him to discriminate as to when to use them is another issue.
To be honest I doubt Sam could ever hit anybody, but you get the idea of what I am pondering. If Sam knows he is able to defend himself then maybe he is less likely to grow into a victim who simply takes a pounding any time someone feels the urge.
Maybe he can then choose to not to retaliate from a place of inner strength rather than because he is too scared and has no option.
I have a sense that there is something in a bloke that withers and dies if he regularly cops a flogging from other blokes and never stands up for himself. Its just a gut feeling but I see something of masculinity tied up in this.
Yet I am not comfortable with teaching my son how to hit someone either. Its the beginning of the end if we go that route.
Is there a third way?
Because it becomes a very sad old world if ‘survival of the fittest’ rules the pre-school playground and we’re giving boxing lessons to 5 year olds…
First, Sam’s teacher needs to know about this situation so she/he can make sure it doesn’t happen again. You can do that as an advocate for both Sam and the other child. If Sam does not want the other child to know that he told, communicate that to the teacher. She/he can look for opportunities to intervene or find teaching moments for the whole class.
Next, give Sam some helpful tools to handle future situations. Children need to learn how to manage abusive peers. Teach him to speak up when a child does something he doesn’t like and take action if necessary. You can do this through role playing. NOTE: The following suggestion only applies to first time incidents of minor teasing, pocking, and proding. What happened with Sam already went too far!
This is what I have taught my children: Tell Sam the next time a child does something he doesn’t like he should say “Stop! I don’t like that.” If the child continues say “Stop! If you do that again I’m telling the teacher.” and then move away. If the child does it again go straight to the teacher or person in charge. Tell Sam at any point during this exchange it would be ok to tell the teacher.
Finally, it is okey to teach him how to defend himself if he has no other choice – school rules or not. I raised three boys in my Christian home. They knew how to stand up for themselves verbally and physically without becoming agressive themselves. Teasing often escalates into bullying and children that do not know how to stand up for themselves are most often targeted.
I had a very similar situation with my son in his first term at school. I went in and spoke to the school. Teachers are not amateurs, they are pretty skilled at dealing with these things in ways which prevent them re-occuring without the individual kids feeling humiliated. In this case the playground duty staff agreed to keep a closer eye on the particular group of boys amongst whom problems were occuring. Their oversight seemed to stop much of the problem.
In this case the ‘bully’ was hurting several children and his beahviour was addressed by the school. They also removed the thorn bush from the edge of playground where he was want to throw his victims.
At least your son was able to tell you what happened. At first mine felt so humiliated by the experience that he wouldn’t speak, just got really inexplicably naughty. We had a big chat with him and eventually it all came out.
I’m sure that with young children at least involving the school is a good idea.
What does Sam think he should do? He’s probably more in tune with the rules of the school yard than most adults. You never know, he may have an idea or two himself.
Will pray that he gets through the tough stuff, oh and you do too 🙂
*Chaplain hat on*
Hey Hamo, does your school have a Chaplain? If so, they could be a good person to speak to about this. School yard disagreements or abuse are one of the main area’s chaplains work (or should IMO) It is likely your son is not the only one copping something from this other boy, and it certainly sounds like there are some other issues with them as well. Talking to the chaplain lets them know that they may need to look out for this other child.
Also, it means that no one else has to know it was Sam who had the problems. The chaplain can take whatever is the appropriate course of action in the school without anyone having to know who laid the complaint. They won’t ‘punish’ the child, but have other ways of dealing with these problems, as every year group has children who need support. Being 6, now is the perfect time for this other child to receive help before it gets too ingrained in him!
Also as a chaplain (and not a parent, I’m not trying to tell you how to parent!) can I really urge you not to teach your child to ‘hit back’, at least not yet. One of the best skills a child can be taught is ‘assertiveness’, but it is difficult to learn.
In any situation there are 3 ways to respond.
1 – Passive, let the situation happen and be walked all over. If this is the common response, something does die within the person.
2 – Aggressive, return fire with fire. Though I will admit this ‘can’ work, if it is not taught well, if the child doesn’t 100% grasp WHEN to use it, they can get to the place where they automatically jump to the ‘ok, i have to hit this person’ position, even when it is not appropriate (nor when you taught them to use it). Most teenagers who act aggresively, especially towards teachers, do so because they have ‘learnt’ that an aggressive response to insecurity, fear, hurt, whatever, works best.
The ‘third’ way you alluded too DOES exist, but is difficult to grasp. It is the response of ‘assertiveness’.
Step 1 – Describe the SITUATION
“When you ___________” ie forget to give back my cd
Step 2 – Say how you FEEL
“I feel___________” ie annoyed
Step 3 – Say what you WANT
“Please do/do not ___________” ie Please bring it tomorrow
As a chaplain (and I stress not a parent) I would recommend you talk to your son about this response. Though I admit it DOESN’T always work, its better to teach assertiveness that aggression. ‘Perhaps’ (and I can’t believe I am saying this) you encourage your child to try the assertive route a few times, and then if this is constantly not working you try to ‘hit him’…but most kids I see who have learnt this route have more serious issues in the end.
If you don’t have a chaplain, talk to the teachers like ‘that hideous man’ said. And as Phil said, see what Sam thinks is an appropriate response (although you probably have done this). The earlier a child learns to deal with problems themselves, the better off they are.
This situation IS serious, continually hitting someone is just not on. This child needs help. This is a ‘learned’ behaviour. If he is 6, now is the best time for him to get that help.
Sorry for the essay!
Speaking from personal experience I think there is a place to respond with physical force. But as a last resort.
I endured physical abuse (floggings as you put it Hamo) on a daily basis for around 10 years from age 6 because I simply refused to do anything to retaliate. I couldn’t bare the thought of actually, deliberately hurting another person and so I just took it. And it did cause something to “wither and die” within me which led to whole lot of issues not-so-much-later on in life.
Things did change when one day I decided to swing back. It was one punch and it stopped the other bloke in his tracks. In total I think I had to respond 3 times in this way before everyone got the message that I wasn’t just an easy target any more. I still hated the thought of hurting someone else, but after this I never had to do it again. Unfortunately for me, after 10 years of enduring, the psychological/spiritual damage was done.
My Sam has faced similar at school in recent months – at his Christian school. He was even recently knocked unconscious and hospitalised with concussion and amnesia. The response from staff at the school was that any retaliation would be completely unacceptable. However I told them we had spoken to Sam about this and told him that unprovoked, physical aggression is unacceptable, however if he needs to protect himself or another person from harm he has our permission to use force. Obviously we have spent a fair bit of time talking this through with examples.
I think this is a difficult subject without easy answers, and I think there can be a fine line between bully and victim, however I also think there is no justice in simply telling our kids they should lie down and take whatever is coming to them.
My boy faced this in his early years and I am a teacher at his school. So I knew not only my son’s temperament, but also those who were giving him a hard time.
I talked through the why’s and wherefore’s of the situation with my son, as a teacher and a Dad. In this situation I ended up telling my son that he needed to stand up for himself, not to retaliate or to hurt the boys involved, but to send a message and in reality create a place for himself in the social standing amongst his mates. Part of the conversation involved that he may have to answer for his actions and so may I as a teacher, but I would back him up. I then went and told his teacher and my deputy how I had advised my son.
I able to let my boy that he is more important to me than school rules. He also learned a valuable lesson in standing up for himself at the same time as understanding others.
My boy isn’t your normal run of the mill sporty, outgoing kid. In fact he is part of the scared, wierd, little, computer guys group; however he does have the respect of the boys in his class.
I wouldn’t say this is the way for any or all situations but it has worked for my son in this one.
Thanks for the thoughts people.
Sam and I went out for breakfast this morning and talked about it for a short time. I don’t want to make more of it than need be at the moment.
I gave him 3 things to do if it ever happens again
1. Tell the person loudly and strongly to stop. We practiced what loud and strong looks like! The idea is that loud brings the spotlight to the bully.
2. Walk away and say loud and strong – ‘stop because I am going to tell a teacher’.
3. If he keeps hitting you shove him really hard and push him over – then go tell a teacher. Sam isn’t an aggressive kid but he is a beefy kid so I reckon he could do this one 🙂
I didn’t have a fourth point because I’d like to think that most situations could be resolved with the 3 above – kinda like Middo’s assertiveness idea.
I guess if Sam came home and told me that he’d snotted a kid because he’d tried all 3 and they didn’t work then I probably wouldn’t be too worried. Sounds like he deserved it.
If it became a repetitive behavior then I’d be concerned.
Anyway – those are my thoughts to date.
Andrew echoed some of my concern for how boys develop if they become punching bags for others and how it impacts their psyche.
Having the confidence and ability to stand up to aggression is an important thing in the schoolyard.
I had just thought I could send him to a Christian school… 🙂
GOOD job Dad!