I’m an introvert by nature so most of my processing is done internally before it ever sees the light of day. When I cycle, surf or go to the gym I am very conscious that my mind is partially on what I am doing, but there is another ‘script’ running in the background – and it’s using up a lot of resource. I’m less reserved around close friends. I freely speak whatever is going on, but I rarely unload a ‘full dump’ – not that I don’t want to, or don’t feel permission – I just never seem to have the kind of language on hand to actually give depth of voice to what I am feeling in a particular moment.
This is where poetry has been valuable – I can write a poem in an hour sometimes as words and phrases tumble conveniently into one another – while other times it can be weeks ruminating on some particular aspect of the death / grief experience. I know there is something I want to communicate but it is ‘stuck’ – so I drop it for a while, then late on a Thursday night just before going to bed words and phrases seem to appear in my mind – the tone of what I am feeling deep in my being – words materialise that I had never thought of previously. Perfect potent words that turn a left jab into a crashing left hook.
Death and grief is completely new terrain for me in so many ways. I really haven’t had too much life suffering to deal with, so my tool bag is a bit more loaded on exploring the ‘joys of life’ side – finding purpose, meaning, friendship, love – all the ‘goodies’. I have learnt how to ‘suck the marrow out of life’ to quote ‘Mr Keating’. And that is what I have been good at helping people do. Right now I’m about as far from land as I can imagine and in a very small boat. But I feel like if I’m here then it’s time to learn how to sail. I didn’t intend to be here, no one ever does.
Two things I feel very deeply are
a) This terrible experience is not going to take me / us down. I am not going back to the grog or over-eating, nor am I gonna drop the ball on purpose and vocation. I’m fine with a gentler pace of life – with a large space in which to do whatever gets done when people grieve – but I’m also conscious that the vices of laziness and self indulgence/sensuality will take this opportunity to tap me on the shoulder and let me know they have a better plan…
b) While I couldn’t subscribe to the idea that God manufactured this situation as part of a greater plan, I do believe we can bring good out of life’s excrement. Romans 8:28 says ‘God is able to work all things together for good’ if we follow him and trust his purposes (which is very very different to God ‘orchestrating’ all things for good). I’m up for that- if anyone knows how to bring good from the death of a much loved son then God would be the one with a few ideas. I’m hoping I will learn how to do that.
What does that mean day to day?
I feel like it means allowing people into my life in a significant way as we move thru this rather than when the dust has settled. I have really valued the number of male friends who have sought me out and given me the space to talk and ponder. If nothing else I have been just a bit overwhelmed by the sense of being loved by those around me. That is a beautiful thing.
I like to learn a couple of new things each year – so maybe this year will be around ‘how to live with grief in a healthy way and to learn who I am and how I respond in these places’. It’s not my happy place, but I can’t do much about that. I am here, so I want to figure out how to live with loss in such a way that I become a ‘richer’ more complete person. I’ve read a stack of books on grief – to the point where I have now had enough of the subject itself. I get it – there is no map – it sucks…
I want to keep in touch with those who have been affected by Sam’s life and death – whatever shape that takes. I know there are a number of people really struggling with his death as much as I am at times. They are one of our connections to him and we are a significant connection point for them.
I realise much of that is quite individualistic, but I also know that I simply can’t map a plan for Danelle or Ellie or Cosi. We can support one another, but there is definitely an element of walking alone in this experience. To lose a brother, a lover, a son is all very very different and we each walk a unique path.
What I have observed the last couple of times I have spoken in churches is that 3 people have come up to me after the service to let me know that they also lost sons in their early 20’s. I am realising that the death of a child is perhaps more common than I had ever known. There’s something about looking in the eyes of someone who has been there. After speaking in a small country church a few weeks back, a woman approached me said ‘I know how you feel,’ and i could see from her eyes that she did. She went on to tell me of her son’s death and her journey with grief as she gone thru life.
Makes me wonder how much pain is there in the world that I have simply no idea about?
Thank you Hammo..you put so much of our feelings into words. The pain doesn’t go away ( even after 13 years) but the joy of one day being united is something we long for. We cling to the words of Isaiah 57. 1 & 2. Blessings
Thank you Hamilton’s it is hard to express a grief of losing loved ones and my friend is Victoria has now lost her second son in 12 months and how do you help that lady ? One from drugs and one from suicide; I found I had no words because this lady is not a believer it’s not like I can say she will meet them again in the ‘bye and bye ‘ is it? How do I know where the souls of those boys went to? It is 17 years since my partner passed 28 th June 2007 just when I finally had him turning his life to God but how do I know where his soul went? For all these years I still don’t know if I and his mother a devout catholic will ever ‘meet’ again? So yes I do know that everyone I have held dear in my life have passed in the last 18 years ,,12 , including my mother who I haven’t seen since I was 3, and I struggle to know if I will ever ‘meet’ her again on the other side , my struggle now is the feeling of being a rock, an island walking around it everyday and no one was there to show me how to deal with being left behind , in a confused society that is so angry and at war with each other and seeing not enough love and grace and mercy for each other, Jesus sat with publicans and sinners , He loves us unconditionally and He knew those people He sat with were sick ; He knows this world is sick! And he has the power to take some of us out of this sick world and allows others to remain in this totally dysfunctional world , and out of my sorrow I came back to God and try not to look back but look forward to the time of Harvest ,enduring the drought , trying to put my hand to the plough, one day at a time and months merge into years, tears water the dry parched ground and one daughter returns after 17 years ; another lost for 10 years, ,, Jesus says to me “ Be still and know ,,,,,Ps46v 10 and I finally see something why God has allowed me to go through the challenges of loss, emptiness, drought, self condemnation and the sun shines and the seed breaks through new life begins out of the rubble, Jesus has touched and healed hearts at Sam’s service that you may never know about but He knows 2 Cor:1,3-4
Thank you for your thought Rachel – it s ounds so very difficult