Recently I have been pondering how I should approach these various ceremonies and considering whether I should be available to ‘one and all’ in the community or simply to people with whom we already have a significant relationship.
Up to now I have generally maintained a pretty open and flexible approach being willing to try and accommodate what people are seeking with what I hope to convey and I have generally tried to provide for anyone who has been interested. Its meant I have done a few baby blessings and an occasional wedding.
It was only as I was conducting a wedding a few weeks back that I had a sense of dis-ease about my approach to these events. I was doing it for a retic customer, someone I hardly knew, but who was a decent bloke. As I was fixing his retic he discovered I was a celebrant and offered me the ‘job’. I said ‘yes’ not really giving it much thought. We had met once before the wedding and I was simply the person with the legal right to pronounce them man and wife.
It felt a bit cold and hollow from my perspective and it has made me think twice about conducting these types of events with people I don’t know. Turning up to ‘officiate’ is very different from marrying people you are connected with.
Last night I had a call about ‘doing a christening’ and that sense of dis-ease flared up again. As I spoke with the person I found myself not sitting well with the idea, partly because of lack of relationship and partly because I felt myself slipping into that role of being the religious celebrant.
As we talked I explained that in Baptist churches we don’t christen but we do ‘dedications’, where we thank God for the child and the parents dedicate themselves to raising the child in the ways of Christ and to being part of a community that will support on them on that journey. This seemed to be ok with the person but I am not sure they grasped the implications.
As I spoke with the person last night on the phone I sensed someone who wanted an official religious person to perform a ceremony for them, because they had it done to them as a kid and it ‘would be nice’ for her daughter. It would also add weight to their private school application.
I see that we can look at this from two perspectives – the first is that it is an opportunity to help someone along on their spiritual journey and possibly to find faith. I have always held this perspective high. However the other way of looking at it is that someone simply wants to use the religious institution to perform a ceremony which has little real significance other than to be a family tradition and a rite of passage. I have no interest in being an offical holy man for people who have no real desire for faith.
I attended a sham of a christening when we first came here and watched two people make vows they knew they would never keep, we knew they would never keep and the minister knew they would never keep. It was a very disturbing service to be part of.
So last night on the phone I found myself asking a fair few penetrating questions to try and assess where this person was at and the responses really weren’t satisfying. I decided to be very blunt about the importance of raising a child for a Christlike life and the necessity of being engaged in a faith community for that to occur.
At first I was getting fairly simple ‘no worries’ type responses as if we were simply going thru some formalities, but as we went along and I expressed that I would want to meet with the parents to discuss their faith journey and the process from here in terms of helping the child on the faith journey I noticed the interest tempering.
So today I find myself ambivalent about this situation.
I have left the woman to consider whether she wants to take the next step of me meeting with her and her husband to discuss what is involved and what my expectations would be or if she wants to talk to another church.
My sense is that if nothing else my questions will have given her plenty to ponder and if we do end up meeting it will be interesting to see if they want to be part of a Christian community and to be helped in the process of raising a godly child.
I’d be interested to hear how others process this stuff.
glad I am not the only one who struggles with this stuff.
One thing I did, which may not ring true for you, or may…who knows…
I made it a condition of me doing the ceremony that they came as a family to one of our easter services…at least that way…they got to hear the gospel…
I learnt alot about this from a minister I worked with in a previous job. (Anglican church with some of what goes with that expectation wise of general community as well as church and hierarchy)
The way he managed it was to present what baptism was (almost always in person in a meeting) – with strong emphasis on belonging to the faith community and as part of that his expectation that they would be part of the faith community at least once a month. If they felt they could say (and believe and mean) the things they’d be saying and were prepared to commitment to that type of level of “belonging to the faith community” he would happily go ahead with the baptism. (I personally took the approach of encouraging the parents in actions of integrity) If they came back for a second child and hadn’t kept their commitment he’d up the anti a bit but still go ahead with it if they agreed to it. We ran various things which we invited these families into every year, whether or not they’d been coming to church.
If the people didn’t feel they could commit to that level of statement / action, we offered a thanksgiving service. Baptisms were always in the service, thanksgivings never were. We had a general service, thanking God for the child and happy to use water in the service but in a different way to baptism.
I like alot in this approach. My main hesitation is the potential of time being widely used for minimal relational impact. We found the benefits of it all outweighed those risks.
I like Barb’s approach. Having said that, I reckon Hamo that you did the best thing in the circumstances of your twin jobs, the limited knowledge you had of the people involved, and the reticence you were feeling.
Celebrants who will do all things for all people for a goodly dollar are a dime a dozen. You’ve at least set yourself aside from that lot.
You’ve got it easy as a baptist – many of the weddings and funerals you will be people in your church and/or people you know. Anglican ministers are always doing weddings & funerals and even christenings for people who aren’t Christian. An opportunity, but hard work and discouraging for many I suspect.
I think for weddings you test their commitment to each other regardless of faith, although talking about the faith aspect should also be there. And for dedications you look for evidence of faith/fruit. Pretty much the same as you would with people you know, right?
personally I think the church should be a part of blessings and celebrations anytime they see the evidence of fruit of the Spirit/ Godly characteristics in people’s lives – even those who we love to classify as non-christians. Every time Love is committed to, the church should jump up and down and clap and cheer on, as God breaks into the here and now. We potentially miss so many opportunities to partner with God because “others” don’t fit into our boxes, and therefore we miss the reality of God’s presence in their lives, and I think that is a shame. Personally, I love being a part of these ceremonies (and no, I don’t charge 😉 )
My first response on the rare occasion I’m asked to do a christening is to ask to meet with the parents – I prefer face to face than over the phone at any time. On the phone I explain we don’t baptise, but don’t go much beyond that. If they really want a baptism I’m happy to direct them to the right place, no point wasting people’s time. But in my limited experience people just want something done, they’re not really worried about water.
When I visit I then explain our take on baptism (as a Baptist) which includes a brief gospel explanation. If they’re not Believers I offer to do a thanksgiving or child blessing. We always do them as part of the service. If the situation seems right I’ll give a the gospel in a little more detail.
In regards to marriage: with people not connected to the church I will insist on at least some basic marriage counselling, so by the time we do the wedding they’re not complete strangers.
Only done two funerals, both for elderly believers in the church. Don’t know how I’d handle it for unbelievers as I’m cautious about the evangelistic ‘opportunity’ when people are that vulnerable.
In any case, even if largely done out of ignorance or some vague religious memory on their part, I want to encourage and celebrate any opportunity to have God involved in these people’s lives.
Thanks for this- this is so helpful and you have highlighted one or two things that bug me about my practice but you have done it with so much integrity and grace. Cheers!
The area of weddings for me has been a significant wrestle – particularly marrying people who aren’t Christians or marrying a couple when one is a Christian and one isn’t.
Two things in offering my take on it:
1) I don’t offer my take from a high brow perspective or self-righteous POV.
2) I reckon my manner in how i have responded has previously lacked a sense of grace and had a bit of a gnarly edge to it. This said, i’m not sure i would alter my current stance but i regret how i have approached it with couples in the past.
Bottom line for me is i won’t administer Christian rites for one or more people who aren’t Christians because i feel that i am leading them through a vow that they don’t believe in; they may well believe in the vow to their spouse but not the one before God. In this way i guess i feel that i am causing them to be hypocritical by leading them through something that isn’t true for them and at the same time i reduce the value of the Christian covenant being made.
My dialogue with engaged couples in the past on this predicament has been far too short-hand and regrettably less of a dialogue and more of a monologue from me.
As i have said, i will likely retain the stance but require more grace in the process.
Hamo,
Just do the Christenings. Let the judgement be up to God.
How come my comments go into moderation? Have I got fin rot…?