This week I attended a ‘Solace’ service at Riverview church, where Ellie attends, a reflective space to acknowledge that for some of us Christmas will be a difficult time and the celebrations will be somewhat dimmed because of the pain we are carrying.

It was a valuable hour of sitting quietly and tuning in to the reality of where we are at – and acknowledging that it is hard. Sam’s death has smashed our lives in so many ways and even now 9 months on we are still regularly blind-sided by emotion and devastation.

One of the questions we were invited to reflect on during the evening was ‘where was Jesus in the pain?‘

My first thought was that my sense of connection with Jesus didn’t change during the week immediately after Sam died. When we got the news we had just finished speaking at a church camp. The day after we were home in Yanchep. I didn’t instantly feel surrounded by angels and overwhelmed with divine connection. I sensed Jesus pretty much the same the day after as the day before.

So Jesus didn’t ‘show up’ more significantly in my own time alone with him. Initially I felt a bit disappointed with that. And then I began to ponder where he did show up;

• In the first responders both onsite with Sam and Cosi and over east where Ellie had literally just set up camp at Noosa at the start of a 3 week holiday.Within minutes Danelle’s sister Janene, had booked plane tickets to the Gold Coast and was gonna bring Ellie home. Friends who lived in Murwhillumbah in northern NSW hopped in their car and drove to Ellie to be with her – a 3-4 hr drive?… Jesus was there in those people who jumped right in without thinking – who loved us enough to drop their plans and run.
• In the people who flooded us with love and support and comfort. Nothing could fix where we found ourselves, but the family, close friends, the church and the community were overwhelming in their care. Had you told me that this would be the case I would have told you to tone it down a bit. I know we are loved by plenty of people – but I had no idea just how many… We felt loved beyond what you could ever imagine. Jesus showed up in people who simply loved us
• In the meals people either brought to us, or in the uber eats vouchers we were sent. I have never been in a situation like this before so I hadn’t realised just how valuable the logistical help was. We were cared for practically and it eased the load we carried each day. Jesus showed up every day with food for over a month!
• In the Sunday gathering of our church in Quinns. Sam died the week before Easter Sunday, so the very first time we gathered was on resurrection Sunday. It was the saddest Easter Sunday I have ever been part of – because what I sensed was people ‘mourning with those who mourn.’ We acknowledged the hope of the resurrection, but in that moment the immediate reality was the loss of someone we all loved and who had been so much a part of the community. When people genuinely grieve with you Jesus is present.
• In my close bloke friends who have been able to navigate the line between genuine care and intrusion into my world. I have appreciated both the conversations over coffee and the briefest text messages – both mediums say ‘we see you and we are here.’ I have never felt like I have had no one I could speak to – in fact if anything I have been blessed with a crew of men in my life who I have been able to speak very honestly with at different times. Jesus showed up in the men who got around me and in whom I knew I could trust.
• In the people who still check in – who are happy to walk with a family thru one of the worst times of their lives. Jesus keeps popping his head up and we never feel alone.

I’ve been pondering a lot lately, but struggling to put any of it into words. Sometimes even the best words still don’t communicate the heart break and wrenching that goes on day to day. But this was something that hit me on that evening and I felt was worth sharing – as much to say thank you to those who have shared the road with us, but also to acknowledge the very tangible presence of Jesus in the community.